As you can tell I haven’t been posting.
I haven’t been posting cause, I can’t post if I am not doing anything towards my goal of losing weight.
Why am I not doing anything
Cause I have been trying for a baby……yes number 7…..yes some of you, most of you think I am crazy, and funnily enough I don’t mind.
I was upset so he said ok we will see what happens, a bit later he said one more wouldn’t be bad you have till June 09 if u haven’t fallen by then we will say 6 is the number.
Prob is with feeding blue eyes, I never got a cycle till I gave up feeding and then it was June…. so Soul mate as lovely as he is gave me till Sept 09
Still didn’t happen and my PND was a lot worse at that time ….. so he decided he would extend it till Dec09 (we agreed that we would try for fun to have a due date of 10/10/10) well that is now….
Hence the reason I haven’t been concentrating or trying or thinking of losing weight …. I have been obsessing over falling preg,
according to my charts I am due for TTOM next week.. ( i would normally be 3 days overdue now)
Have done some Preg tests and they are neg, I guess it could be early still but I am devastated
Soul mate does not want to change his mind and I do understand his reasons…. He is 10yrs older than me and doesn’t want to be changing nappies at 50
I get it !!!! I do
It just doesn’t stop my heart from breaking……
You know when you have a dream and your whole heart and soul goes into it …..
This dream I breathed, I lived, I slept it …. I wanted another baby … I wanted just one more. I felt there was always one more baby to come from my womb and join our family and then adopt a couple of kids to join and make our family complete.
My head tells me it is Ok ….you can lose your weight now focus on that….
But to be honest … I don’t want to …. i want to be thin, I want to enjoy life, wear nice clothes etc but my heart isn’t there….my heart is with the baby , the baby I am never going to have.
So where do I go from here….????
How do I change my goals, my dreams?
How do I get past my fears, fears that paralyse me?
Well there you have it all ……the reason for my silence, my dreams, my hearts desires and what I am truly struggling with …….Can’t be even more transparent than that.