Since I have had the PND and panic attacks Ross has always been there for me
Working from home or leaving for work when he has to but not being gone very long at all
Well today was/is a big day
He left at 7am this morning and wont be home till after 10pm
The job is around 5 hours aaway and I am home by myself (well with the kids)
This morning he rang me on his way to the job to tell me he was in the country but his car had broken down and was now only going at 30km p/h
Great now he will have to stay overnight I am already panicking.
So the first thing I do is drop something off at a camp that my son is at and then
DRIVE THRU MACCAS
Yep I did …..I deliberately went to the drive thru . It wasn’t a mindless thought , I even decided what I was going to order and I could taste it.
So there are two cars in front and I am talking to the kids telling them , they are going to get chippies all so exciting for them.,
My turn at the speaker and the lady says
“Welcome to McDonalds how can I take your order”
“ I will have a cheeseburger happy meal and a small fries”
What what just happen!
My order the one for me to sit and feel sorry for myself , the one to stop the anxious feeling …. It never came out of my mouth.
Then I started thinking …. Maybe I want this weight gone more than I want the food ….then I felt guilty that I was going to get it
Then I wondered ……what am I going to do with these feelings of panic, abandonmentand loneliness
To be honest I don’t know and now at 5 pm I still don’t know what to do with them
I know I am feeling uncomfortable with the feelings
You see I never feel anything unless I am happy
Any negative feelings I will just eat…..Have been doing it for 25 years or so and now I have to find something to do with them
I don’t like this feeling thing..
What do you do when you have to feel your feelings…how do you get past it with out eating??