Not sure if I had mentioned ( I am sure I did) that some of my (live in my computer) friends were coming to Sydney from South Australia and wanted to meet up with me.
I was fine with this …… until the date started getting closer and then I started stressing and getting anxiety and eating wrong things and stressing and you get the point. The day the were due to come Rhys had asked Ross and Lleyton to go play golf with him ( this is a very rare thing that Rhys wants to spend time with us ) I told ross he had to do it ..not really realising what date it really was …. yep it was the same day the girls were going to meet up with me …
Now for those of you who don’t know Ross is my security blanket … he has been ever since I got PND with the kids and he has been my rock … he was going to drive me to the meeting and have a coffee at another table in case I was overwhelmed.
So I had decided that I would cancel… then I thought better of it and decided I couldnt leave the little kids with Cienna to babysit incase they mucked up on her ( not realising that Lacey was going to be home till 2)
So I did it I got the two babies ready and myself (changing a million times) and I went and I met the girls and I stayed for hours (longer than I expected ) prob longer than they wanted….
I still cannot believe I did it …. it was such a massive thing to do ( none will ever understand how massive)and guess what I didn’t die…….. they didn’t tell me I was horrible so I mustn’t have been too bad.
The kids were pretty well behaved until the Chocolate from the (real) ice chocolate hit Jovee’s blood stream and then she was hyper lol
But I did it ….
The other MAJOR thing (way out of my comfort zone ) something I swore I would NEVER do in my life time ……it absolutely petrified me …… was go see a psychiatrist
My GP goes to seminars and conferences so she can get a feel for the speakers and wether she should/ would send her patients there.
she went to one seminar a few weeks back and after it she went and spoke to the psychiatrist and told him my history that I had had severe PND and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and been on antidepressant for over 20 years.
she told him i was on a massive dose and it concerned her and she didn’t like writing my scripts as it was such a high dose ( history is I was under another GP who started me on it but is no longer working and she took over)
He said it was too high and that I needed to be under a Psychiatrist so she referred me to him …….
Well I DID IT !! Yesterday I went and saw a Psychiatrist…… he didn’t lock me up though ( due to my anxiety) he did mention the hospital and I may have to stay sometime ( if things go belly up ) ( LIKE HELL I WILL)
He didn’t take my kids away ( he told me I am a brilliant parent and that thought is absurd) and he wants to change my meds (scary … last time a dr tried to do that , I spiralled downward very badly and it took 18 months to recover) he said that, that particular dr didn’t give me enough new drugs which I knew.
I have decided the only way I can get better and live life with Ross and my kids is to trust the dr ( I don’t trust ppl )
This is such hard step but I did it ……We are weaning me off my antidepressants which he said the one I am on is the WORST for coming off ( but i never had an issue coming off when preg so I am hoping it will be the same … though this time I don’t have the pregnancy hormones to keep me level). Then he will change my meds and I am looking at coming off them all together though he is not looking that far forward.
He also said that the Lryica I am on for my neuropathic pain in my feet and hands is also a mood stabiliser and a sedative and mentioned that that may be why I am falling asleep at 10am every day cause I am taking too much in the morning and need to spread it out thru the day and take more at night to help with the pain at night ….. I found this very enlightening.
The one thing that he did say was both the antidepressant and the Lyrica cause weight gain …. bad weight gain …. Now I had seen the scale go up when I started or upped the lyrica but the antidepressant I hadn’t really thought of till yesterday when I worked out the ONLY time I had lost weight was either when I was off the antidepressant causer I was pregnant OR after I had Cienna when I didn’t go back on the antidepressant …. so it was causing my weight gain as well as the depression.
These two drugs are also why I can’t lose weight even though I have had the gastric sleeve ….. the gastric sleeve is helping me lose weight but the two drugs are making me gain weight therefore cancelling each other out and making my weight stable…..
I find great hope in the fact that I know what is causing me not to lose weight …. though I find it very dishearteing at the same time to know that the meds that are helping me mentally and physically and keeping me alive (suicide) are also stopping me losing weight
I feel it a vicious circle and I will never get off I will never lose this weight and I will never be normal
So I guess all I can do is trust this guy ….. ( who now wants me to see a psychologist my other big fear) or give in and eventually commit suicide …..
Guess I will trust God and the fact he has brought this man along …..
Stay with me and we will see what happens